Why Single Christian Women Leave & Date Outside the Church?

Every now and then, I like to dive into hot topics or current news that I think will spark an interesting discussion. Today, I want to talk about something that really caught my attention.

I recently came across an article by Dr. Katie Gaddini titled, “A Large Number of Single Women Are Leaving the Church. Why?”

According to her bio, Dr. Gaddini is a sociologist who wrote The Struggle to Stay, a book based on over four years of in-depth ethnographic research with single evangelical women in the U.S. and the U.K. Her current research investigates Christianity and politics in the U.S.

It was an interesting article, and I reference it as a way to gauge the landscape of what is going on in the church today. There is a huge population of single adults in America, and this is reflected in the church. This is not a new subject even though singleness is on the rise. We have to remember that singleness was also a hot topic in New Testament times.

Paul (1 Corinthians 7:8-9) said,

“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” (v. 8)

However, much like that time, there are women who desire marriage and have sexual desires. Paul himself said,

“But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (v. 9)

Paul teaches that marriage can be a better path than “burning with passion,” recognizing that some people have a stronger desire for companionship and intimacy than others. This passage is often understood as a practical and compassionate guideline for those who are unmarried, reminding believers that if self-control is difficult, marriage is a more honorable and godly choice than falling into sexual sin. It also reinforces the importance of having a healthy fear of the Lord when making decisions about the future.

As Paul recognized in his time, and as remains true today, the issue for Christians isn’t singleness itself, but the discipline required to guard against certain sins, such as sexual immorality. Sexual immorality refers to any sexual activity outside the covenant of marriage, including adultery, fornication, and lustful behavior. Scripture consistently warns believers to avoid such actions. For example, 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NIV) says, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.”

It’s no secret that adults today are marrying later than previous generations, with many remaining single well into their 30s and 40s. While singleness itself is not a sin, this extended season can invite prolonged temptation that may lead some to compromise their values.

Recent research focusing on women highlights this growing social trend. According to a Morgan Stanley projection, about 45% of U.S. women ages 25 to 44 are expected to be single by 2030. This aligns with findings from Pew Research (2020), which showed that relationship patterns shift significantly with age. Nearly half of women aged 65 and older (49%) are unpartnered, while those between 30 and 49 are the least likely to be single (19%). Among younger women ages 18 to 29, about 32% are single, and for those ages 50 to 64, roughly 29% are single.

Among women in the U.S., this trend especially affects single Christian women. Of course, some women are content in their singleness and have no desire to marry, but many others do long for that companionship. With the prolonged season of singleness for both men and women, churches with large single populations may need to develop discipleship programs that help individuals grow in Christ, focus on healing and deliverance from past trauma, and guide them to become deeper lovers of Christ.

Today, I want us to see how all of this connects. I’ll share some key insights into why many single women are leaving the church. While I don’t agree with all of the reasons mentioned, I believe it’s important not to dismiss their experiences. Many might say, “You shouldn’t stop going to church just because *fill in the blank*,” but we shouldn’t minimize people’s struggles either. There are unmet needs in many churches, and perhaps this reveals the need for stronger, more intentional discipleship for singles—just as I discussed earlier. Let’s take a look at Dr. Gaddini’s findings and see whether they resonate with what we’ve experienced personally or observed in our own church communities.

Reason #1: Singleness

Yes, I know—singleness.

Gaddini explains:

“It’s no secret that Christian churches exhort marriage as God’s design for humankind, and yet many women struggle to find a suitable spouse in the church. On the one hand, the gender ratio is not in their favor.”

I can relate. When I moved to a new city in 2015, I was a single Christian woman looking for a church. I ended up at the first one I found. It was a traditional church with many nuclear families. Seeing the families was beautiful, and that didn’t bother me at all. However, most of the sermons focused on marriage or raising kids, which I couldn’t relate to at the time.

Another challenge was the singles ministry. It was underdeveloped. Christian single women often outnumber men in many churches, including this one, making it difficult to build meaningful relationships or find fellowship. I didn’t have children for playdates, a husband for couples’ activities, and many wives naturally connected primarily with other wives or focused on their families. Fellowship and discipleship are vital, yet the church offered little support for singles.

Eventually, I prayed for a church that would help me grow in my journey with Christ. God answered. Through a random Google search, I found a church that was exactly what I had prayed for: a place with families, yes, but also a young adults group that could walk with me in my faith journey.

Looking back, my singleness definitely influenced my choice of church. For some, church selection may be about finding a suitable spouse, but for many single Christians, there is a real need for fellowship, discipleship, and spiritual growth. I didn’t leave the church, yet I understand how a single Christian woman can feel out of place when sermons, fellowship, and discipleship are largely structured around marriage and raising children. Even for those hoping to find a husband, opportunities to connect can be limited in some church environments.

Reason #2: Difficulty Finding a Christian Suitor

This is something I’ve witnessed personally, and I’m sure many of you have as well.

At my current church, which has a large single congregation, the needs and questions of singles are addressed thoughtfully. Several years ago, before I got married, I attended a singles and dating event, and it was fantastic! The event included a panel discussion on dating, sex, and singleness—topics that singles truly need the church to address from a biblical perspective.

Here’s the reality: there were far more women than men at this event. I’d estimate about 80% women and 20% men. Whether or not the men were single, it was clear there weren’t enough Christian men for every single woman in attendance.

This aligns with Dr. Gaddini’s point:

“By their mid to late thirties, women face the difficult choice: hold out for a Christian husband or date outside the church.”

Yes, people leave the church for many reasons, and this one may seem superficial to some. However, I appreciate how Paul never condemned those with a sincere desire for marriage and family. We must balance truth with mercy. The truth is that leaving the church to date someone outside the faith does not align with God’s will for our lives.

As scripture warns, believers are cautioned against being unequally yoked:

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, NIV)

Being unequally yoked often leads to unnecessary pain and conflict. I’ve seen this happen too often with women in the church. If your desires lead you away from God and the local church He placed you in, you may be walking into temptation. As James 1:14 reminds us:

“But each one is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.”

Staying grounded in God’s Word and remaining in fellowship with a local church helps guide singles through desire, temptation, and decision-making in a way that honors Him.

Reason #3: Being Seen as “Intimidating”

Interesting, right? Traits that serve women well in business may not always be fully appreciated in some church settings. This is because what the world values is not always what God values. As women continue to make significant strides in the workforce, this shift is naturally influencing personalities, perspectives, and ambitions.

Now, business savvy and traits that are effective in the marketplace can be incredibly valuable when fully surrendered to God. However, without submission to Him, these traits cannot bear lasting fruit. As Romans 12:2 reminds us:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

It’s not that you need to turn off these God-given traits; rather, they must be refined and aligned with God’s purposes. We must be led by the Holy Spirit in our dealings with others, ensuring our actions reflect His character. If our behavior does not exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—then it is not coming from the Holy Spirit, and it should not be glorified.

This raises an important conversation about femininity, ambition, and societal expectations—a discussion I hope to explore further in the future.

Reason #4: Sex and Intimacy

Finally, Gaddini highlights sex as a significant factor:

“…Single women in their late twenties, thirties, and forties are caught in a no-man’s-land: too old for Christian messages on abstinence targeting teens, and too single for messages about intimacy aimed at married couples.”

I’ve been attending church all my life. I was there for the purity classes (yes, they existed in my youth group), and I was there when sermons focused on married life. It’s encouraging to see more non-denominational churches now addressing messages relevant to singledom. While this is promising, there is still work to be done, especially in more traditional settings.

This raises important questions: Are single Christian women asking for more open conversations about sex from the church? And to what extent is this a reaction to purity culture? Personally, learning about soul ties was life-changing for me. As a teenager, my purity class focused heavily on pregnancy, STIs, and maintaining virginity, but I didn’t learn about the emotional and spiritual consequences of sexual activity until much later.

There’s also a long-standing double standard: women are expected to remain virgins until marriage, while men are often excused for premarital activity. Unfortunately, this imbalance persists both in society and within the church, sometimes pushing individuals to extremes on either end.

Final Thoughts

My concern is that when Christian men and women are driven to the world to find companionship, it does not always lead to a God-centered life. Remember, the church is not just a building—it is God’s people who are called to be set apart. Being set apart is embracing the call that God has for your life, and not going into the world to do as you please or what feels right.

As 1 John 2:16 says:

“For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.”

And as Paul shares in Galatians 5:24:

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

I encourage all readers to crucify the flesh daily. You could be called to marriage, or you could be called to singleness. If you are called to marriage, pursuing it impulsively based on your burning desires will only lead to pain. Waiting on God’s timing is always better than chasing the counterfeit.

In the New Testament, singleness is depicted positively. Jesus acknowledged the value of being single, stating it is good for those to whom it has been given (Matthew 19:11). Paul also refers to singleness as a gift from God, allowing individuals to focus more fully on the Lord’s work without the distractions that come with marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7, 32-34).

I know it’s hard to hear when you’re single, but it’s the truth.

I’m curious: what are your thoughts on why single Christian women are leaving the church? I was surprised that church hurt or scandals weren’t mentioned in the Gadinni’s article. Let’s keep this discussion holy and friendly. Share your perspective—I’d love to hear it.